mend my broken heart
hey there, it's james again, dating coachfor women, and today i want to talk to you about how to mend a broken heart, how to curethat heartbreak that you feel inside, how to stop crying on the sofa, how to stop wallowingin self-misery, how to stop being depressed, how to move on from that broken heart.i'm gonna give you 10 ways in which to cure a broken heart.a combination of things i've learned over the years, and also some scientific suggestionsbased on what's suggested in why we love, this great book by helen fisher, that i'vejust finished reading. so i'm gonna go through the 10 ways to cureyour heartbreak, to get over a broken heart. but before i get into that, just know i havehad a broken heart a couple times during my
life. the most recent one was just a few yearsago. i fell deeply in love with a woman, and ichased her and chased her, and was trying to convince her to stay in this relationship,and ultimately, she put me out of my misery and said 'james, i don't see a long-term futurefor us.' in my mind i was imagining her to be my wife,we were gonna have kids, and we were gonna travel the world.i mean, she was the last thing that i, the last person i thought about when my head hitthe pillow, and she was the first person i thought about when my eyes opened up in themorning. and when she finally ended it with me, i mean it took me a year, a year of self-miseryand feeling sorry for myself, and exploring
my mind and my ego and my personality, andtrying to get to the bottom of why this happened before i actually was able to move on fully.this broken heart was really the catalyst for me creating the system that i've created,which you can find out more about if you click the link down below this video, or insidethe video, to really help men and now women find their perfect partner, their soul mate,so to speak. so i've been there. i know that it's tough.i know it hurts. it's so painful. and you know, i was cryinglike a little girl in my mid 30s when this happened, so it's tough.all right, enough about me. let's get into these 10 tips, all right? so, you're sufferingfrom a broken heart, you're sad, and you're
thinking about the guy, and you really needto move on. ok, so tip no. 1, at least according to this book, why we love, is to begin with,you must remove all evidence of the addictive substance, that is, the beloved.throw out cards and letters, or stuff them in a box and put it out of reach. now i cantell you, i had photos of me and this woman in my iphone, and i, for like a month afterward,i would literally just go through, look at these photos, watch videos of us together,and just daydream about us getting back together. and i would do this, and it was always inmy phone. and a phone these days is just an attachmentof your arm. and it was so bad for me because i just keptlooking at these photos and being reminded
of her all the time.whenever i wanted to see a photo of her or a video of her, all i had to do was go tomy phone, just go into that particular file, and there it was.but this is not doing you any good. why? because as charles dickens said, 'lovewill thrive for a considerable time on a very slight and sparing food.even the briefest contact with him can fire up your brain circuits for romantic ardor.if you wish to recover, you must expunge all traces of the thief whole stole your heart.'now, i know it seems harsh, but you have to do it.now look, if you don't want to delete the photos, that's ok, but at least get them offyour phone, get them on to a hard drive somewhere,
at least out of reach.you don't want them in your computer. you want them in a difficult spot where it's hardfor you to go and get them again. but you need to move on, so you need to removeall evidence that this person was in your life. otherwise, you'll just keep thinkingabout that person. ok? so that's tip no. 1.tip no. 2 is meditate. develop a few mantras and silently repeatthem. something positive about yourself and yourfuture is best, even if it isn't true yet. something like 'i love being myself with asoul mate of my own.' pick something that boosts your self-esteemand projects your mind out of the failed relationship
and toward one that will succeed.and when you can't stop thinking about him, dwell on their negative traits. write downtheir faults and carry the list in your purse or pocket.you might also try fantasizing. picture yourself walking arm in arm with someone who adoresyou and who you cherish, the perfect partner. make this person up, and make it good.someone is camping in your brain. you must throw the scoundrel out.so yeah, that's, again, from the book why we love, by helen fisher.so yes, meditate. a lot of it is in your mind, ok? a lot ofit is in our mind. i know with my breakup, it was all in my mind,and i was imagining her and thinking about
her. and then, finally, toward the end ofthis 12 months of self-pity, i started to imagine myself with someone else, and i startedto imagine that kind of picture. even though it wasn't real, it was just astory in my head. and when i did that, i moved further and further away from her, from theone who i broke up with. so again, meditate.develop some mantras. tell yourself why you are wonderful, why you'regreat, why you're terrific. i know sometimes this sounds a bit arty-farty,and like 'meditate? aw, what kind of a tip is that?'but this stuff actually works. if you just sit there and give yourself thatpositive reinforcement, you will move further
and further away from the pain and sufferingthoughts of your ex and into the possibilities, the endless possibilities of your future. all right, tip no. 3.it's very important that you stay busy, ok? you need to distract yourself.call friends, visit neighbors, go somewhere to worship, play cards or other games, memorizepoetry or historic events, learn to draw or play a musical instrument.dance. sing. learn to speak a different language. get a dog or a cat or a bird.that's what the book's saying. i wouldn't encourage you to get a dog or acat or a bird. take a vacation you always thought about but you never did.write out your plans for your future.
this is really important, actually.i do a lot of visualization, where i write out my plans for the future, and that reallyinspires me and energizes me. it gives me something to focus on in the future.there's a great saying, which i'm gonna butcher right now, but it's something about the windscreen,the vision through the front of the car is a hundred times bigger than the rear visionmirror, ok? so stop looking in the rear vision mirrorat what's gone behind you— that being your ex— and start looking toward the futureand what it bigger and brighter and bolder, ok?so in other words, just keep looking forward, stop looking back, ok?so you want to keep busy, and you want to
do new things.you want to elevate your levels of dopamine. dopamine is something that's released fromyour brain when you feel pleasure, excitement, or happiness.and when you do new things, that dopamine is released and increases.so if you're just sitting there, watching sex and the city reruns, eating ben & jerry'sor haagen-dazs ice cream on your sofa and crying, the dopamine levels are way down low.but if you're going off and doing new things and meeting new people and taking up a languageor learning how to play guitar, it would be something that dopamine levels increase, whichgives you a natural feeling of happiness, ok?
all right, let's move along to tip no. 4,how to overcome a broken heart. exercise. exercise is very good for rejectedlovers. any kind of physical exertion will elevateyour mood. jogging, biking, and other forms of strenuousphysical activity are known to drive up levels of dopamine, bestowing feelings of euphoria.exercise also elevates serotonin and some of the endorphins, calming you.in fact, some psychiatrists believe that exercise, aerobic or anaerobic, can be as effectivein healing depression as psychotherapy or antidepressant drugs.ok, so this is a huge thing. exercise is so important.now, you may have heard this a hundred times
before, but i'm gonna tell you a hundred andone times, ok? exercise will increase your level of happiness.exercise will take away vast amounts of depression. exercise, again, from a physical point ofview, not just like an emotional point of view, but from a physical, biological pointof view, physical exertion will elevate your mood because it drives up that level of dopamine,ok? so, it's not just go and exercise to distractyourself, although exercise is a good excuse to distract yourself from the pain and sufferingthat you're feeling. there's actually biological reasons why youshould do it. it actually makes you happy.so if you're, again, i know from my own experience
that when i was depressed, i didn't have theenergy because i was thinking about it and i was depressed, and i was upset, and my energylevels just dropped. however, when i forced myself to go out thereand do exercise, even if it was just a little jog or a cycle, or just a really half-assedeffort in the gym— i'm not sure if 'half-assed' is an american terminology; we use that inaustralia— but you know, my levels of happiness just increased. you cannot help but feel happier.so if you're depressed right now, you're watching this video, and you're lamenting a brokenheart or a lover that's gone, get out there and exercise.it will improve your mood from a clinical, biological point of view. ok?
all right, let's move along. we're almosthalfway there. step no. 5: sunlight! sunlight is a greattonic for depressed lovers. sunlight stimulates the pineal glands, ohi'm not gonna pronounce this right, the pineal, i'm not sure how to pronounce this.i apologize. the pineal gland in the brain, which regulatesbodily rhythms in ways that often elevate mood. so pick a daily activity you can doin daylight, preferably outdoors. now i have a podcast for men called alphamale club, and we talk about the importance of direct sunlight to men all the time, interms of raising their testosterone levels. it's the same for women.not to increase your testosterone levels,
obviously, but sunlight is life, ok?it gives you a huge boost of vitamin d, which again, is going to improve your mood.you're outdoors, you're in the sun. you should worship the sun, ok, because thatis going to increase your levels of happiness. that vitamin d stimulates those glands inthe brain, which regulates the bodily rhythms in ways that often regulate mood.ok? same thing as we talked about in tip no. 4, that exercise, from a biological pointof view can make you happier, sunlight can do the same.so get out there and get some natural sunlight. you know how good you feel when you're atthe beach and you're sun tanning all day. and at the end of the afternoon you're like'ahh, so happy!' it's because you just had
so much sun.yes, it's because you're also relaxing, but that sunlight is literally improving yourmood. ok? so if you're depressed because you lost alover, again, get out there and get as much sunlight as you can. step no. 6 is something to avoid, actually.you want to avoid sweets or drugs that you know will stress out your body and mind, ok?so, you don't want to be eating processed foods like doritos and oreos and sodas andcandy and snickers bars and kit-kats and pizzas, and all those kind of heavy foods, becauseagain, those kinds of foods will decrease your levels of happiness and they'll makeyou sluggish and they will just perpetuate
this depression that you are suffering becauseof this broken heart, ok? so really watch what you eat. don't be eatingcrap food. try to eat as healthy food as you possibly can. tip no. 7 is smile.now i know right now you're not feeling that crash hot, and it's hard to smile.but when you put on a happy face, even as you're crying inside, the nerves of thesefacial muscles activate nerve pathways in the brain that give you feelings of pleasure.'even imagining that you are happy can spur pleasurable brain activity.'again, that's a quote from the book why we love, by helen fisher. so again, smile, allright? now i know you're probably looking
into the video, you're watching this videoof me right now, and it's hard for you to smile.you're probably like this. are you like that? force yourself to smile, even if you're superdepressed. just force yourself to smile for five secondsand hold it. i'm gonna do it for you, ok? here we go.one, two, three, four, five. ok. you see that? i forced the smile. and when i forced thesmile, i could not help but feel happy. it's crazy.it's like a forced smile somehow still elevates your mood. now i know you're depressed.i know it's the hardest thing in the world for you to do, probably, right now, is toforce a smile. but trust me, just do it for
five seconds and then tell me how you feelon that sixth second. see if it makes a difference, ok? even ifyou're crying and you're weeping and you're like 'i'm so upset.'come out of it, click your fingers and go, and force that smile.the nerve muscles in your face are going to make you happy.again, it's a physical thing. it's a definitive thing. it's biology.this just actually happens. tony robbins, the motivational speaker, iremember watching him years ago, and he said you can change your mood with the click ofyour fingers. just like that. you can go from depressed to happy just likethat. ok?
i know it doesn't feel that way right now,because if you're watching this video, you're hurting, and i can feel your hurt.i've been there. but just force a smile. look in the mirror and force yourself to smile,and you will feel so much better, ok? so we're gonna move on to tip no. 8. by theway, if you'd like to get more tips like this on an ongoing basis, just click the link inthis video, or the link below the video right now.i do a whole lot of these videos and i send out book reviews of books to do with loveand relationships. i give you my ramblings on romance and loveon an ongoing basis. so if you'd like to get more of that, justclick the link in this video or in the description
of the video below. tip no. 8, stay out of the restaurants andthe places where you and your lover dined and used to hang out.go some place new to shop or to get your exercise. don't play the songs you used to share.avoid the people, places, and things that trigger a desire for your wayward partner.this is really important, ok? so if you used to go somewhere all the time,and it was a regular habit, you've gotta stop that, ok?you've gotta, imagine you're a record player, and you're going round and round and roundand round and round again. and they've got the needle on the record player,right?
you're going round and round and round.what you need to do is you need to go
you loved. go someplace new.go and exercise. go and do something different, but just changeit up, ok? tip no. 9 is know that it's the first drinkthat gets you drunk. in other words, addicts know that when they have their first martinior chocolate donut, they will surely have a second and a third.so don't make that first phone call back to him.don't write an e-mail to him. don't drive past his house that first time,ok? don't put yourself through that pain and suffering,ok? don't go into your inbox and look at e-mailsthat you used to send to one another.
don't go and check your text messages.do not contact him. i'm ordering you. do not contact him! ok? don't do it, becauseonce you take that first sip, then you become a raging alcoholic.it is a slippery slope. i can tell you, i mean, to put it in perspective with me, iused to smoke cigarettes years ago. fifteen years ago.and when i was quitting, if i just had one puff of a cigarette, next thing you know,two days later, i'd have two puffs, then a few days later i'd have half a cigarette.then two weeks after that, i was smoking half a pack a day.and i did this for a few years. thankfully i haven't smoked in many, manyyears now, but it's the same thing.
it's a very slippery slope.if you start sending out a text message, just one little text message, saying 'i miss you'or 'are you thinking about me' or words to that effect, all of a sudden you go back intothat old vicious cycle again, ok? and you don't want to do that.you need to move on. you deserve to move on. you deserve a better, more fulfilled lifewith someone else, ok? lots of romance is in store for you in thefuture. i know it doesn't seem like that right now,but there truly, truly is. so don't fall into that trap of just takinga little bite, of just sending one little text message, one little skype message, orone little 'what's up?'
one little facebook.or going on his facebook and liking one of his posts so he can see that you liked itand then maybe he'll reach out to you. don't even take that step.just like a band-aid, you're gonna rip the band aid off.you're not gonna slowly take it off, and it kinda hurts.rip it off in one fell swoop, ok? all right, finally, we're on to tip no. 10.again, i'm reading this book, why we love, by helen fisher. rather, i'm reading fromthis book because i have finished it. and tip no. 10, actually, is my own tip.it's not in this book. so there were nine tips from here.i'm gonna give you the tenth. time is the
healer of all wounds.yes, it is a clichã©. yes, it's been told to you 100 times.yes, your friends who are supporting you right now are probably gonna tell you the same thing.time heals all wounds. it's a clichã© because it's true.when i had my broken heart, it took a year. but it shouldn't take a year for you whenyou implement these tips. i didn't know this kind of stuff when i hadmy broken heart. i didn't understand dopamine and sunlightand exercise and new experiences. i didn't understand that. i didn't have thetools. and so it took time. it took time.time will heal your wounds, i promise you,
ok?i know it doesn't feel like that right now, because you're like 'ah, this sucks! i'm inthe depths of despair!' but every day just gets a little bit better.every day, every day, every day, a little bit better, a little bit better, a littlebit better. and again, i don't want you to take a year.it shouldn't take you a year like it took me.i don't want you to have to go through that. it should just take you months.maybe weeks. maybe days. i mean it just depends. i don't know the background of how long youwere with this person for, or how intense it was. whether it was a divorce or whateverit was.
but just know that time will heal. time willheal your wounds. it just gets a little but easier every singleday. so just take each day as it comes. yes, again, another clichã©, but it's a clichã©for a reason. time is the healer of all wounds. ok? it willget better for you. i'm so sorry that you're feeling depressedand hurt right now, if you are. if you're not and you're ok, maybe there'sheartbreak around the corner for you, it's great for you to know these tips, becausethese are going to help you. if you've got a friend who's suffering rightnow and you want to help them, please do pass on these tips.again, they're physiological, they're biological,
they're mental, and they work, ok?so again, if you'd like to get more tips like this on an ongoing basis, just click the linkin the video or click the link just below in the description, and i'm gonna send youa whole lot of other things. great book reviews from people like davidbuss, who wrote a great book called evolutionary psychology. he's a harvard professor.it's all about why men and women fall in love, why there's heartbreak.a book like this called the the evolution of desire, again, which is strategies of humanmating. a whole bunch of other things like that.i can give you my words of wisdom about my breakups over the years and help you to findthe dream man that i know that you are looking
for. if you have heartbreak right now, i'mso sorry. i know it's painful, but do implement those 10 steps and you're gonna come out ofthat pain a lot quicker, and you're gonna come out of that a lot stronger.and what's more, you're gonna find that one-in-a-million man that i know and you know that you absolutelydeserve. ok, i hope this has helped, and i'll see yousoon.
Comments
Post a Comment