how to cope with heartbreak

-so just go at it?-go at it. -is this his face or something? [ clink! ] [ pop! ] [ ding! ] [ bang! ] -how do you get througha breakup? well, suck it up. be strong. tough it out.

these are some of the thingsyou hear people tell you. well, what if i told youthat none of those work, and instead, that you should dothe exact opposite. give yourself permissionto feel it all. see, in 2010, biologicalanthropologist helen fisher discovered, using mrisand advanced brain mapping, that when you're going througha breakup, the exact same regionsof the brain are activated as when an addict is goingthrough periods of withdrawal.

simply put,we've scientifically proved that love really is a drug. it's a big deal,because it kills this notion we went along assuming for years that going through a breakupis just this emotional process, when really,they're very much physical, too. it's why you find yourselfexperiencing a loss of appetite, fatigue, anxiety,and many other symptoms that an addict goes throughwhen experiencing withdrawals.

like addiction, we figuredwe'd give you 12 steps to help you through a breakup. -julian, we only have like --we only have a few minutes. -we can't do 12? what about like 10? here are five steps to help youthrough a breakup. first, we gathered participantswho were fresh out of a breakup and tested their currentlevel of happiness. -you know,it's kind of day-by-day.

some days, it's tough.some days, it's all right. -how long was the relationship? -it was 10 months. yes. but who's counting?-hmm. -well, it was domesticfor about a year, but before that,we were like back-and-forth for a total oflike four years. -the first step is to get youranger out in a healthy way. go at it.

-[ grunts ] -come aroundand connect with it. a couple more.give me a good one. finish out. yeah, work the gut,work the gut. i like it.one more big one. that's it.all right, champ. all right, all right.you got it. -[ exhaling sharply ] -how are you feeling?-i feel good.

-kind of clearedeverything else out. -i guess that is one good wayfor me to get it out. -next up is to turn itinto a learning experience. you can't change the past,but you can use it as a lesson. looking backon your last relationship, i want you to tell me threethings that you learned from it. -perception greatly differsbetween different people. you can bein the same situation, same people, same place,

and have two different storiesabout the same event. -being more open. -age is sometimesmore than a number. -what was it that made yourealize this lesson? -we didn't fight a lot,but when we did fight, it seemed to always boil downto the same issues, and they seemed to belike fundamental, intrinsic thingswithin each of us. -when you're givingyour attention, time,

money, affection to something, you are investing a partof yourself into that, and that's the partof your heart that you're givingto someone else. -he wasn't always likethe greatest boyfriend. i wasn't gonna settlefor somebody who i had to explain myself to. -the next part is perhapsthe most important -- accepting where you areright now.

try to be aware of what you'refeeling, and don't push it away. don't shut it off.don't suppress it. one way to do thisis through meditation. and begin. [ gong chimes ] -welcome to this five-minutesession for self-acceptance. [ relaxing music plays ] -how are you feeling? -don't feel as much anxiety,you know?

accepting everything as-is and being able to really objectivelygo about doing things rather than just filling my timewith to-dos just to not think about it,you know? -acknowledge the good. just as there wasa significant enough reason to end your relationship, there had to also be a lotof positive reasons

that kept you in it. -[ sighs ] -damn. um... -okay. -got it?-yeah. -one really positive aspectof dating brian was his outrageous personality, overfilled with laughterand love.

-we had a lot of good timeswhen we didn't have a plan. -when we were eatingmexican food, singing karaoke, playing with animalsat the pet shelter, watching horror films, and out-hashtagging each otheron instagram. -i felt in the best of times like nothing else matteredat all and the world wasat our fingertips. sorry.

[ sobs ] i got to hand it to brian,because he was everything to me. [ sniffles ] i think in the past two monthssince we broke up, i've spent a lot of time stayingbusy, doing other stuff. there were a lot of things thati hadn't really asked myself, whether it seemed superfluousat the time or pointless 'cause it was over. -you know, you build, you know,kind of your dailies

and your lifestylearound someone else or your relationships versus when you're single,it's just you. so having to go backto just being me, you know, you kind of feel like, hmm,almost lame sometimes. but then i got to rememberthat i can be fun. -lastly, focuson your best qualities. breakups often leave us feelinglike our world has crumbled, like we're worthless.

so it's importantto reassert your self-worth and really internalizethat you have value. we had them write downtheir five best qualities, the five greatest thingsthey had to offer, and handed it to a rapper. -!!music@! celebrate !!music@! -!!music@! celebrate! !!music@! -!!music@! we're gonna celebrate you !!music@! -celebration.

!!music@! molly, molly, molly !!music@! -[ chuckles ]-yo! -[ laughs ] -yeah, yeah. this one's for you.you got it. !!music@! yeah, yeah !!music@! !!music@! this one goes outto my man, scott !!music@! !!music@! mr. reliable and lovingand a sensitive guy !!music@! !!music@! miss independentlike a ne-yo song !!music@!

!!music@! so forward-thinking,that you're beyond smart !!music@! !!music@! do what you do,give the best of the best !!music@! !!music@! you're the cream of the crop,never settle for less !!music@! !!music@! 'cause that's what you are --raising the bar !!music@! !!music@! no more datingancient grandpas !!music@! -[ laughs ]-whoo! [music] there goes sarah,working hard all day [music] [music] love is a drug,don't overdose [music] [music] go for gold, hold your own [music]

[music] you're the best around [music] [music] "karate kid" song [music] -after they were done, we tested their current levelof happiness. we saw an average increaseof 13% and jumps as high as 31%. so yeah, maybe you can't changewhere you are, but there is a healthy wayto work through it. don't look at the relationshipas a failure. recognize it as an experiencethat made you smarter.

in correlating breakupswith addiction, researchers proved something we've knownright from the start. time really does healall wounds. i'm julian, and thank youfor watching this seasonof "the science of love."