how to deal with a break up

(questioner): how do you deal with grief caused by the death of a loved one or something similar? (sadhguru): grief? now, i want you to look at this with a certain openness because when you are in grief if somebody is in grief, you don’t talk truth to them. you just hug them, you comfort them. you tell pretty lies to them;

you don’t tell truth to them, isn’t it? isn’t it so? hum? someone is in grief, at that moment you don’t talk truth to them. you just, pretty things you tell them, gentle things. isn’t it so? because when they are in grief, they are like little children. they are broken and they have become tender. you just handle them tenderly and leave it. maybe after they stand up on their feet then you can tell them the truth

but when they are in grief you don’t… it’s not right, it’s not appropriate to try to tell them the hard truths of life, isn’t it? so, if you are in grief right now, i will just say nice things to you, sweet things. (laughs) i’ am capable though till now i have not said anything sweet or nice to you, i am capable of those things so, what is grief? grief is fundamentally someone who was a part of your life,

in so many ways maybe or in some way maybe, is gone. yes? so, all that’s happened to you is one part of your life has become empty. you are not able to handle that emptiness. see, one human being goes away, it doesn'’t mean anything to you because everydayt thousands of people go away, isn’t it? do we know how many people die every day in the world? not just in iraq, i’m saying everywhere? how many people die in a day?

does anybody have statistics? nobody is running an undertaker business or something? i think they would have survived and found out how many – the business potential in a day. (laughs) may be....idon't know... may be, maybe 100,000 will die? much more than that. quarter million will die? could be around that, isn’t it? somewhere in that range maybe, i don’t know. ok, whatever. let’s say a quarter million or half-a -million die. see, whether it’s quarter million, half-a-million, one million makes no difference.

it’s a large number of people die, ok? it doesn’t leave vacuum in you, does it? you...… you partying, isn’t it? as you are partying in atlanta, so many people are dying, so many people are attending funerals, so many people are in grief. isn’t it so? so, one life goes away it doesn’t mean anything to you, i want you to understand this. yes or no? one life goes away doesn’t really mean anything to you.

the problem is, this particular life if it goes away, it leaves a hole in your life. that is the problem. so, your problem, you need to understand, is not about death. your problem is that it leaves you incomplete; something leaves you incomplete. so… or in other words, another way of looking at this is, you are incomplete, you are trying to fill your incompleteness with people, with things, with your job. lot of people would grieve much more if they lose their job or lose all their money than they lost their husband or wife. isn’t it so?

i’ am saying lot of people, not you. lot of people would. isn’t it so? financial problems people suffer much more than death. isn’t it so? is that not so? it is so, isn’t it? people will grieve not just about somebody’s death; people will grieve… anything that leaves a vacuum or a hole in their life – that’s what they grieve. so, what you are grieving is not death, what you are grieving is

your life is incomplete in some way. why is it incomplete? this life when you look at this as a piece of life, this life has come as a whole. if you know this life the way it is, there is no question of incompleteness in this. this is a complete life. do you think it’s an incomplete life? this is a complete life. if this is an incomplete life that means creator has done a bad job no bad job has been done, it’s a great job, very great job... far more than most people realize. it’s too fantastic a job has been done on you.

so, this is a complete piece of life. if you had experienced this life the way it is then nothing would leave a hole in you because this is complete life. because you did not fill this up with your profession or your car or your house or your family or something. this is the way it is. this can interact and relate and be with and include so many things but still this is a complete life by itself. if this experience and state is in you whether you lose your job, lose your money or

lose somebody who’s dear to you, you wouldn'’t go into grief. does it mean to say you will have nothing for them? no. immense love would come, immense love. when they are here, you know, between two people always this little problem. (laughs) however dear and close they are to you, if you stay too close to them for more than three-four-five-six hours, then you want to go little away, just an excuse and go and sit in the bathroom at least. (laughs) you need some excuse to get away from them,

however close and wonderful they are. isn’t it so? so, when people are embodied, bodies can’t be like this all the time. you can be like this for some time, after some time the bodies have to get apart. when they are disembodied, when they lost their body, now immense love will come forth because this barrier of the body is gone. now, there is no problem, now there is no problem, they won’t speak, they won’t argue with you, they won’t disagree with you, now you see only the wonderful side of who they were. they had problems alright; they had nasty side to them, but all those things only because they had a mind and body. now, they have dropped that,

now they have dropped that, so you only think of all the wonderful things they were and it could overwhelm you with love. that is the way you should be if somebody passes away; that you are completely overwhelmed with love because, you know… you have known many things, many intimate things, many wonderful things have happened between two people but when - as long as they are here, one small point you are holding and resisting nonsense. this is happening, isn’t it?

those small points have evaporated with death. now, you must be overwhelmed, in that sense. but grief is a crippling force, isn’t it? yes? grief is a very crippling force because grief leaves a big hole in you, then you don’t know what to do next. so, it may sound inhuman what i’m saying, but i want you to understand that people in the society have always gone about enshrining all the weaknesses and all the incompleteness as human.

people have never gone about enshrining the highest aspects of human life as human unfortunately see, if somebody breaks down, you say, ‘after all he i’s human.’ if somebody dances in bliss, you say, ‘he is divine.’ why? why don’t you see it’s human? it’s time we do that, isn’t it? if somebody is full of love, you say, ‘oh, he is divine.’ you have exported all the good things to heaven.

if somebody is in love, it’s divine, if somebody is in bliss, it’s divine. i’m telling you it’s human. you are in blissful state - this is human. you are very, very loving - this is human. we need to see this, isn’t it? it's very, very important that the highest qualities of humanity are not exported to heaven. all the beautiful things about a human being have been exported to heaven and they say, ‘it is all coming from heaven.’

it is all coming from within a human being. isn’t it so? when you feel love, do you see a ray of light shooting from the sky and entering you or is it overwhelming from within you? is it overflowing from within you or is it coming from heaven? it is coming from within you. so, however loving you are, why don’t you see love is a human quality? the moment you say it’s a divine quality it becomes an alien quality, isn’t it, available only to jesus, or this guy or that guy - not available to you. isn’t it so? all the wonderful things about a human being, unfortunately,

religions of the world have exported to heaven because because they couldn'’t invent something new. because they could not invent some other new quality which is not there in human beings. all the top qualities in a human being are sent to heaven. so, whatever is the lowest quality in the human being, you call this human. so, grief is not about somebody’s death, grief is just about your incompleteness. and grief can happen to you without anybody’s death. grief... people can be in grief simply because they are not successful. isn’t it so?

people can be in grief because they are not able to get what they want. isn’t that so? people can be in grief if their house is burnt down. people can be in grief if their car is lost. a child can be in grief if his teddy bear is gone, isn’t it? yes? a child may miss the teddy bear more than the parent. isn’t it so? he may grieve for the teddy bear much more than his grandfather. it is so. he may grieve for his dog much more than the grandfather.

i have seen this happening and people are shocked. ’ what is this? i said, ‘it’s very human. don’t worry. his connection with the dog is deeper than the grandfather. what to do?’ and what is wrong? what is the problem? so, grief is not about somebody’s death. grief means you must grieve because you left yourself incomplete. what is so fantastic, what is so absolutely wonderful,

without experiencing that, you’re just living in your head. you have every reason to grieve. i agree with you.